This week has been a struggle. I have had anxiety and fear coming forth so strongly. I feel as if I am drowning in my thoughts unable to breathe because of all of the 'what ifs?' It is so easy to say, "Give it to God." It is a totally different thing to actually do that. I have given it to God multiple times a day this week. I have caught myself having to stop my thoughts and try to take control. I say try, since it hasn't work, yet.
- "Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
I wish that I could say that even though I know God is good, even after all of the things He has brought me through, even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He can do ALL things, I still doubt. I still struggle. I still need answers and proof. It is hard to admit these things. I think, if we are all honest, we all feel this way at times. We can allow our minds to wander so much that we distort any reality that may be true and substitute a false reality of lies and deceit.
This false reality does nothing but harm us. It causes us to allow fear to overtake us. We aren't able to fully be used by God when we are allowing something else to control us. This week I have allowed fear and anxiety to control me. I have been so anxious about what might happen that I haven't lived in the moment. I haven't been able to enjoy my days. I haven't even felt like I was truly living. I have felt trapped. Like I couldn't move or get out of my own head. My body has suffered. I have been extremely tired and felt down. I haven't wanted to do anything.
- "Where God's love is, there is no fear. For God's PERFECT love, drives out fear." 1 John 4:18
This is a verse that I taught Tinley and then Carter. I have used this verse over and over to explain to them we have no reason to fear because God's Spirit is within us, therefore, fear cannot live in the same place as His love. It seems so easy to help them see they shouldn't fear. But man, I've needed someone to help me see the same thing. To let me know, this will pass, and I will come out stronger. That is what God does. He allows us to walk through situations, so we learn to fully rely on Him more. I know that I will walk to a deeper level of faith. I will realize that this season was meant to refine me. To mold, shape, and create a beauty that wasn't there before. A love for God that shines brighter.
My prayer tonight is that I let go. I allow God to make the changes that He desires in me. I don't want to fear. I don't want to have anxiety. I absolutely do not want this to affect my relationship with my husband or children. Has it? Yes. Unfortunately, it has affected both relationships. Can God change it all? Yes! That is exactly why I said, "It hasn't worked, yet." Because yet means it will work. It means that it may take time and effort on my part, but God can move. If I allow Him to move, He will move mountains that I didn't even know were there.
If you have mountains, if you don't know where to turn, turn to God. Let Him in. Let Him work. It will not necessarily be easy, but it will be worth it. I am letting go now. I am going to let go until I no longer have my hands in any of it. God can, and He willI, if I move out of the way.