So after Kyle read the first blog I wrote, he said, "You didn't really tell our story. I feel like you need to tell the details, so people can really see." I just feel like I might not really get across how GREAT God is. I mean, He literally SAVED our marriage. You just don't get how bad it was before God truly got ahold of the man He made for me. So, I'm going to try to tell the whole story. To let you in and be very vulnerable. This is a hard story to tell, but I know it is necessary.
We met and started dating my Junior year of college. It was his Freshman year because he didn't go to college right out of high school. We met and realized we both wanted to know each other more. We maintained our friends and things we did separately, while spending as much time as we could together. We both got to know and love each other's families.
After 8 months of dating, he proposed, and we began wedding planning. We had the most beautiful wedding and reception. I was so nervous about our wedding night because I saved myself. I wanted it to be perfect. It was perfect. There is no way I would change saving myself for anything.
We honeymooned in Florida. It was so much fun to get to be Mr. and Mrs. I felt like I was on top of the world. There was one time I felt like my life was going to be over. We decided to try jet skiing in the ocean. Basically, we paid the man, and he said don't let off the gas. It was really choppy that day due to a storm about to roll in. Well...I prayed out loud the whole ride. We saw so many jelly fish that I was convinced if I fell off, I'd be dead from getting stung so many times. I did NOT want to die on my honeymoon! Whether getting stung a ton or not would kill me, I don't know, but I sure felt like it would. I think this brought us closer that week because he was able to be my protector, just like he was designed to be. We finished our honeymoon out in Atlanta at a Braves game.
When we got home, life began together. We settled into a groove of working and being together. He played video games too much, and lots of nights, I had to go to bed early to drive to work the next day. We definitely both had things to learn and work on in our new life together. We always looked and maintained the appearance of the "happy couple." If you know me, I am NOT a good actress, so someone could tell if something was off if they knew. But most of the time, I smiled and nodded and played a part. This is not how I should've handled things. I know this now. I should've questioned, fought, and spoken up. But we live and learn as we go. Looking back, we can all find things that we should've, could've, and would've had we only known the whole story.
Kyle and I continued to live and love. We bought a house in December 2008 and moved in ready to really begin our life together in OUR HOUSE. (We did not have a great experience with neighbors where we rented. That's a totally different story though.) I felt like we grew closer and really started learning and knowing each other more and more. We had GREAT times and times that seemed like we were far apart.
In 2010, we welcomed Tinley Paige. I feel like this is when things really changed. I am pretty much a perfectionist about everything. I have gotten much better, but being a mom was definitely one thing that I wanted to do perfectly because I knew how much this precious baby girl needed me. I knew that I needed to be and do everything perfectly. This is how I felt. I thought I had to be perfect or it would completely change her life and things would go wrong. So far from the truth, but depression will do this to you. I didn't know how bad of postpartum depression I had. I didn't know that's what made my mind go crazy thinking that I'd die or she or Kyle would. I would have wild thoughts all day every day. I would question everything I did because I didn't want to mess up. I put so much pressure on myself to be exactly what I thought she needed, when in fact, all she needed was me. Just me. She needed my love. She did NOT need a perfect mom. Along with the postpartum, I had a really hard time healing physically. This put a strain on Kyle's and my relationship.
I knew that we were off. I knew we were not right all of this time after having Tinley. I knew, but no matter what conversations we had or questions I asked, including: "Are you cheating on me?" he would not open up. He would go through periods of being the most amazing husband and daddy to a low of not wanting to be around at all. He needed help, but he wouldn't seek it. I couldn't make him, so I did what I knew to do. I prayed.
As the years went by, he became happy again, and we were doing great. So I thought. We decided we were going to try to have another baby. Thinking it would take a while because it did with Tinley, we didn't even think about what if it happens immediately. Well, when we stopped preventing, I got pregnant, and we had our second December baby, Carter Levi. I knew what to expect this time, and I was determined not to get down.
I healed easily and felt great after having Carter. I was not depressed or down at all. I felt like we were going to be great this time around, and it wasn't going to cause any issues. Turns out, the kids weren't the ones causing the issues in our marriage. It was just choices. Choices we are allowed to make because of our free will. Choices that affected each of us in different ways.
Kyle began traveling soon after I had Carter. He was on the road more than he was home, and we all suffered. He would try to make me want to leave in any way he could think of. This was a very trying time for me. I did not know what to do. I could hear a 'still small voice' saying, "Pray. Pray for him. Be kind. No matter what." That's what I did. Man, did this affect him. It made him truly think about what he was doing. I would wake up really early and pray for him. I made sure on the days he was home, I woke up and got back in bed, so he didn't know I prayed for him. He would get mad if he heard me pray, saw scripture I put up praying over him, or even thought I was praying. During this time of travel, he had decided he was going to leave me. He was just going to "go on a trip" and not come back. I'm forever grateful that he chose to be honest with me. To tell me what he had been doing throughout our relationship and own up to the mistakes he made.
The night he told me was very tough. It was the day after Thanksgiving. We went on a date because my mom had Carter and his mom had Tinley. He was very distant the whole date. We got home, and he immediately said that he needed to talk to me. He had me sit down on our bed and proceeded to tell me about all of the times he was unfaithful. I was shocked. I didn't understand it. I felt dirty. I felt like I had done something wrong. I couldn't speak. I couldn't tell you exactly what I said once he was done. I left the room and laid down in Tinley's bed and just cried. I cried for myself, for our children, and for him. I couldn't wrap my mind around what he told me. I didn't want to believe it. I finally composed myself enough to walk back in the room. I initially planned to just stay in Tinley's room because I didn't want to face the facts. I realized I needed to sleep in OUR bed. I vividly remember telling him he could sleep in our bed, but he was not to touch me. I think the fact that I had/have never been with anyone but him was hard for me. I didn't understand why I wasn't enough.
The next days were hard. The next months were hard. The next years were hard. We had to learn to be a couple again. I had to learn to trust him. This was the hardest part. I prayed so hard about it and felt God tell me, "You trust me. You can trust me with him." I knew that I had to let it all go. I couldn't have control if I wanted God to work a miracle in our relationship. I couldn't be in charge if I wanted change. If any of this news had come out earlier in our marriage, I would've most likely left. I don't think I would've been strong enough, and I don't think I relied on God to guide me through every situation. Through the time I spent in prayer, God was able to really get ahold of my heart. I could hear His whisper. I could feel Him. I learned to listen during this time.
I don't know why he started seeking others. I probably won't ever really know. I've come to realize that it is ok not to know. It is ok not to understand what made him or caused him to do something that drastically affected us. I don't understand, but God has given me peace and allowed me to heal.
We are stronger now than we have ever been. Don't get me wrong, we still have days that trigger memories or things from the past. But we have learned not to let those control us. We try to communicate from our hearts and not get defensive or offended. We are human. We both make mistakes, but we have learned to play on the same team. We really try to see the other person's point of view. Communication is key. Accountability is key. We make sure we have both of these things every day.
I pray this story helps one person. I pray you realize that there can be peace in a storm. I know I've probably left things out, but I was just trying to write from my heart. Just know, you are not alone. You are loved. And above all, remember: "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26.
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